From adolescence to adulthood - A growing up story

Life Is A Testament To Pain, Accidents, And Injuries.

2011-09-10T02:15:00.000-05:00

I find it ironic that I feel the need to post something exactly a year after my last post, and what a year it's been. I doubt I'm going to get it all in one post because I could probably write a novel about the stuff that went down over the past year. It's amazing how much one can experience in just one year, and how much hurt there is in this world (especially how much can be directed at one person).

Over the past year I felt that this life wasn't even worth living, if I was just going to live in pain for the rest of my life then what was the point? I kept getting hurt by guys, because I kept going for the straight ones. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good looking enough for them or that my personality was just not as outgoing as other people's. But how can one change their personality to be so outgoing when they are so close to rock bottom? There was one thing that made me happy though, and that was being around Josh (the kid who the letter was to). However, being happy only around him was pretty bad for me; the amazing friends I had accumulated at the Academy should have made me pretty content, but for some reason I wasn't.

I wanted to be held by someone and have someone to talk to about how I was feeling. My family hasn't been around most of my life, so I can't really connect with them. I thought I could only connect with someone I thought I could have a relationship with, and I wanted that to be Josh so badly. However, I didn't get that from him, not even after he started experimenting with me. I was just being used for one-way sex from him from December to February. However, I just kept doing it because I wanted it to become something more and I thought he just needed time. In the end though, it ended worse than I could have ever thought possible.

"It gets better."

I heard these words by Joel Burns while I was being hospitalized for attempted suicide. I had tried multiple times to just end it. The pain seemed like it was ripping open my chest, even to the point where it was hard to breathe. Everything since June 6, 2010 seemed to be snowballing, and it became too much for me to handle on my own. I needed help but I couldn't see how things could even get better for me when there had been so much bad happen. In addition, what if it did get back to normal? I would still be lonely...still have no one to talk to. I would be dealing with it, just as I always have been.

Hanging didn't seem to work out to well because I was using belts and it seemed to be ripping the skin of my neck more than it was choking off my airway. I had to wear collared shirts for nearly two weeks to cover the marks left on my neck from that attempt. Downing antidepressants seemed to have absolutely no effect either. I even stopped eating to try and starve myself "and just whittle away until I was gone," was my thinking on that. I lost 20 pounds in a month. 58 pills of Vicodin was the closest I got to death. I took 58 Vicodin in one night, hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I ended up throwing up and just laying in my bed for four days. I told people that I had just ate something bad and even had to miss class. Finally, there was a gun. Luckily, I was unable to pull the trigger though. I don't expect most of you to understand why I did this, but sometimes it feels like death is the only escape, however this world felt like it was not done with me. I could not have an easy way out.

When in was in 7th grade I prayed to God for a month to make me into a shield. A shield for all the hurt coming to those who I cared about. I wanted to take away other people's pain, or at least the worst of it, and have it directed at myself because I couldn't stand watching those I care about suffer. Maybe that is why all these attempts didn't work, and I am glad they didn't. As Joel Burns said, it does get better (or at least bearable) and in time it gets easier to move on from the things that are hurting you. So please, to all those thinking about suicide, just call a hospital, because they do help. Even in the worst of times, suicide should never be an option. The last time I thought about it was right before going to the hospital. I got out of the hospital sometime in late October of 2010.

All the suicide attempts happened before October, and yes it did get worse...much worse, but I did not look for an easy way out after that...ever. Yes, this wasn't even half of the last year of my life, so to those looking for an easy way out, look at me. I was at the point where you may be now, but it does get better. Just go to youtube and look up "Joel Burns it gets better," and you will see what I am talking about. I went through so much more after October, and now I am positive no matter how much hurt I have shoved at me... I'll still be here in the morning, dealing.

The Letter

2010-09-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

I was feeling pretty happy about what has happened over the past few weeks, but a few things were still bothering me. Don't worry! You'll know everything, just be patient! Anyhow, I wrote this letter for a certain someone, but haven't given it to him yet. I wanted your guy's opinion on it =)

To: *********

A relationship is more than just sending texts back and forth. It's more than just good looking people. It's where each person feels something for the other. Where both care more for the other than they do themselves. Where one would "take a hit" for the other. Sometimes obstacles get in the way of one letting the other know how he really feels, but what he needs to realize is that there is no reason to be scared here. No one here will hate him or judge him badly. All that matters is that he is happy. He will have someone to hug, tell his problems to, cry with, and maybe even kiss. A relationship is from the heart and sometimes it comes from the most unexpected places...all he needs to do is embrace it. And take the initiative to let the other know how he really feels...be that through a text if he is frightened; grabbing his hand and holding it for a while to be subtle, yet cute. Or even something as bold as kissing him! Eight months may seem like a short length of time to be together with someone one loves, but that eight months will be the best of their lives...and no one said it had to end then. Just know that I love you and I know you are questioning. I can wait for you. I'll give you as much time as you need, but I won't give up in the meantime. I'll make you know for sure that I am better for you than she is! I love you for everything that you are, and you are the best in my eyes.

The Plan

2010-09-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

Ok guys! Soon, I will be updating you on everything that has happened since I last posted! Excited? You should be! Daily posts just aren't going to happen this semester at least since I am in Physical Chemistry I...sorry =(

Posts are probably going to be on the weekends and possibly on Thursdays because I don't have class on Thursdays! Cha ha! Tomorrow though I need to catch up on some homework I have so I'll be posting this weekend. Sorry for leaving everyone hanging =(

Busy, Busy

2010-07-22T18:21:00.000-05:00

Ok guys, this is just an update to let you know I'm still alive...barely. I'll be sure to start my daily posts again next week sometime once everything settles down and I'll update you on what all has happened! Love you guys and thanks for reading!

Breakfast With A Friend

2010-07-17T21:58:00.014-05:00

I opened my eyes at 7:30 and thought about my friend, Megan, who was going to be here in a few hours. She was coming by to pick up some notes that she accidently left at the Academy, and I was more than happy to pick them up for her. We had plans to go out to eat at a bakery for breakfast, and I was well excited because I was going to see a friend.

Megan just finished up her research at a different college for the summer, and went home that week. I kept thinking that she was the lucky one since her research was done already. The reason being is that my research is going to last longer than any of my fellow students at the Academy. I started as soon as classes ended in May and I will go on until the sixth of August.

The next thing I knew I was waking up to my cell phone playing music. “Hello?” I croaked. “Hey Luke, I’m here,” Megan said. I told her to give me a few minutes and I would be right down.

I slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom to see if I was fit enough to be seen in public. I groaned as I saw my hair sticking up in all directions. I soaked my hair and washed my face as quickly as I could because I don’t like to have people waiting on me. I matted my hair down after drying it and dressed in a hurry. I looked at the few shirts I had left in my wardrobe, and told myself I would do laundry tomorrow, and I headed down to greet Megan.

As I was walking to my car to get her notebook, I heard a voice yell, “LUKE!” I looked around, but I didn’t see my friend. I didn’t want to look like an idiot by spinning in circles trying to figure out where the voice came from, so I continued to my car. I found the notebook and my wallet in my car (thank God because I was well worried I had lost them both!) and started walking down the parking lot like I knew where I was headed.

Megan called my name again and this time I saw her! Whew, I was headed the right way! I hugged her and she complimented my blonde hair. She asked if I did it myself and I told her of course not! It would have looked horrible if I tried to do anything to my hair! Nah, I go to a salon back in my hometown (about two and a half hours away) just to get a haircut.

Megan was driving her brother’s car and we took a few wrong turns in town. I don’t blame her though because half the roads were blocked due to a parade and a fair, but it didn’t stop me from laughing at her! The fair rides were in the town’s square right on the streets! I had never seen anything like it before. I mean…what kind of town doesn’t even have fair grounds?

Megan was telling me about how much she disliked the University of Missouri, Columbia (where she did her research). She told me about how the facilities were the most fantastic she had ever seen, but the teaching there was horrible. She even told me she never wants to go back to that school again! We were chatting so much that we didn’t even notice the “closed June and August” sign on the bakery’s door.

Megan, never letting anything get her down as usually, just said that we would go to the town’s coffee shop. Once we got there we argued about who was going to pay for my smoothie and her coffee! The cash register told us to back up while we argued because the counter was very old and he didn’t want us to break it! He ended up taking her money and my card, making us each pay for only what we had gotten. Although, he did ask if he could put a car payment on my card!

We looked around the coffee shop/book store, and Megan seemed really into the old books. I guess I am one of those people who judge a book by its cover and was pretty turned off by the simplicity and age of almost every book in the store. Megan told me that I was “more modern,” and I liked the way she put it, instead of using my words.

On our way back to my dorm Megan asked me something surprising. She asked if I was close to my family. I didn’t respond for a minute or two as I thought about Amar, and how he and his family gets along so well and how accepting they are of him. I finally said no, and told her that my family wasn’t very accepting of my lifestyle and that I wasn’t able to talk to them about personal issues. She told me she was sorry to hear that as she dropped me off.

I got to my room and thought more about what makes a good family. I decided that I should make more of an effort to get along with my father, so that maybe one day I could bring home a boy and he wouldn’t look at me funny or tell me to get out of his house.

I called my father for the first time in weeks and asked him when the next time he planned on being home would be, and he said probably late September. “Why, what do you want?” he asked. I told him that I just wanted to hang out. “Oh,” he said with a surprised sound in his voice, “well I could probably make it home for a few days at the beginning of August.” I told him that would be well grand and that research ended on the sixth that same month so I would see him then.

I am also thinking about calling my mother up and asking her if she would like me to visit sometime next week. I’m probably going to bring up a soccer ball so Kyle and I could have some fun for a few hours too.

I don’t know if I will be able to get a post in tomorrow since I will more than likely be in the lab all day. I sure hope I can make it through without getting another terrible headache.

A Chat with Dr. B and Pain!

2010-07-16T22:48:00.046-05:00

Opening my eyes, I sighed at the upcoming day. I rolled over to try and get to sleep, when suddenly I couldn’t feel anything in my right arm! Groaning from the pain, I realized I rolled right out of my bed onto the floor. Not the way I wanted to start out the day! Not wanting to get up, I stayed on the floor for a good hour trying to get to sleep. I finally got up when my back couldn’t handle the floor anymore.

I checked my e-mail and Dr. B wanted to meet me at noon before his other appointments that day. He mentioned that he has no idea why my fob was not working properly, and that he would try and figure it out later that day. I realized that I had overreacted a little yesterday, and was feeling a bit stupid at the time. I was still worried about getting the research done in time though.

By his e-mail I assumed his first appointment was at noon, which would be in a few hours. I went to the bathroom to get ready for the day and was done much sooner than I thought. To pass the time I thought I would go and visit the staff at the Academy again.

Upon getting there I realized that only Dee and Rob were there at the time. Dee had a picture to show me that she had taken while on vacation in Arizona. It was a picture of a street sign that said ***** Street (my last name). “Coo!” I said. Dee beamed as she saw my enthusiasm. I didn't tell her that I am actually planning on changing my last name when I get older because I thought that would be a bit rude under those circumstances.

I went back to Rob’s office to chat with him for a while. Rob is the craziest person that I know, and I can never tell when he is actually mad or being sarcastic. That worries me a bit, so I am always careful with what I say around him. I enjoy being around him though because he speaks his mind. Also, a lot of his opinions are the same as mine, so I feel I can connect with him.

He asked me if I was working out over the summer, and I just gave him a look like “yea, sure.” He laughed at me and asked why not. I told him I was busy with research, but in all honesty that was just an excuse. I could probably go find the time to go run, but it’s the "starting to work out" that is my issue.

He didn’t believe it either, so now I am supposed to go lift weights with him next week. LOL. That’s fine with me, because I wanted to get back in shape again. It is amazing what coming to the Academy does to people in terms of getting out of shape. I’m definitely going to keep in shape this year though because…well I just want to!

I left at around 11:40 to make sure Dr. B and I had plenty of time before his first meeting. It turns out his first meeting was at 12:30, so I sat outside his office for a good twenty-five minutes before he showed up. I wasn’t angry or anything because in my opinion it is better to be early than late.

I sat down in his office and he asked what the matter with my fob was. I told him about going around the building and trying my fob on every door, so he said that he would try and get it fixed. He then proceeded to tell me that the rat brains needed to be finished within the next four or five days. Ok, I’m going to have to work my butt off to get them done, but that was my own fault.

Once that project was finished he told me that we will be starting our next one soon. Instead of cutting up rat brains for this project I will be taking care of rats! Ok, so I guess it won’t be as bad as my current one, but I will still have to clean the cages and collect their urine/feces….awesome.

Dr. B gave me his fob to borrow for the next few days and I headed to my room to take a nap (well go to sleep actually) before going over to do research. I woke up (this time on my bed!) and walked over to cut up some rat brains!

I walked into the lab and grabbed my head in pain from a sudden, splitting headache. Knowing it was all psychological, I walked over to the cryostat and set my things down. Listening to music while on the cryostat usually helped with my headaches in the past when working on the brains, but today my headaches were worse than ever before.

I am not a person to get headaches often and especially not this badly. I thought about how amazing the “mind over matter” concept could be since I knew that my dislike for the cryostat was what was inducing my headaches. I only was able to get through one brain before I decided that I couldn’t handle the pain any longer and headed back to my room.

I took two vicodins thinking they would help my headache, so I would be able to go back to the lab. Instead, they made it MUCH worse. I ended up watching a few shows on Hulu, which ended up helping a little, but not too much. I’m going to lay down for a bit and hopefully get some rest. I sure don’t know how I’m going to get these brains done now, with how bad the headaches are when I go in the lab.

Research and Responsibilities

2010-07-15T23:30:00.000-05:00

I looked over at the clock as it clicked over to 3:34 AM. I couldn’t get to sleep! This has been a problem all summer because my brain just won’t shut up, but it really is getting out of hand. I’m awake for over a day each time, sleep for a good nine hours and I wake up still tired as feck.

To make matters even worse I can’t get back to sleep after I wake up. So, I’m up and decided that I needed to catch up my research because I had been neglecting it the past few days. Packing up my things I headed over to the building where I was cutting up rat brains. Yes, I said it rat brains!

I took out my fob (an electronic key we use to get in buildings around campus) and held it up to the keypad. Nothing…just a red light coming from the keypad, so I tried again…still nothing! Oh crap! Did the professor I’m working under, Dr. B, find out I had been slacking on my research for awhile now? I tried my fob again, of course it didn’t work. I walked around the whole building trying every door…nothing!

I was well frightened by the time I had gotten back to where I had started. I sat on the ground thinking what would happen if Dr. B decided he didn’t want me under him anymore because he thought I was lazy. Did he have my fob turned off, and if so how many days ago was it? I was wondering if it was a test to see how long it took me to actually go in the research building.

I ended up calling him and leaving a voicemail after a few hours sitting outside the building waiting for someone to enter. It was 6:00 in the morning around the time I called so I was pretty sure he would be asleep.

I sat down again and started to think about my life if my research was going to end badly. Would the Academy kick me out for wasting a lot of their money? I couldn’t take a step down and go back to high school because that would be too devastating for me. Maybe I could join the army? I’ve always wanted to fly a fighter jet.

I looked over at my phone and it was already 7:00 in the morning, no one had showed up to go in the building yet, and Dr. B still hadn’t responded to my voicemail. Still nervous as hell, I headed back to my dorm and was finally able to pass out when I got back!

I woke up around 7:30 at night and checked my phone…no missed calls. I thought he might have sent me an e-mail so I went to my computer and checked…still nothing. Ok, this was getting ridiculous. Is he ignoring me because he doesn’t want to tell me I’m fired? Lol. That wouldn’t seem like something he would do though.

So now I’m writing this and I’m really worried about my future. I don’t want to go into the Air Force for a career because they don’t make very much money, and I want a very nice lifestyle when I get older. That’s what I’ve been working towards my whole life, is to go into a career that pays way too much and to make a good life for my children.

On a better note a women who works at the Academy, Sue, said her husband was looking for someone to play tennis with. I LOVE tennis, so I said I would very much enjoy that. She told me that she would give her husband my e-mail so we could setup the details.

Sue also mentioned something about playing soccer with her son and coming over for dinner sometime. I don’t even know the kid and I’m being invited for dinner? Lol. We’ll see how this turns out, hey for all I know the kid is really cute! Not really, he’s twelve…a bit young for me I must say.

************************************************

I saw the ugliest couple walking down the street today. At first I thought about how gross they were, but then realized that they have something I don’t…love. So now I hope one day that I’ll be part of that ugly couple group when I’m old. Lol. Because that would mean that the other person loves me for who I am and not my looks, which is something we should all strive for.

For now though, I’m young and I hope to be a cute couple one day! Like these two ^^

The Day I'll Always Regret

2010-07-14T23:54:00.007-05:00

The following names in this post have been changed for their own protection. June 6, 2010 is the day the following post starts on.

I was walking down to Beth’s room to ask her if she had any movies that I could borrow, but to my surprise Calvin was also there and they were already watching a movie! It turns out the movie was a documentary about living in a small town while being gay. I can’t remember the specifics of the movie as that was an unimportant detail in what happened in the next twenty-four hours.

The movie ended and I was starting to get really hungry. I asked Calvin and Beth if they wanted to grab a bite to eat somewhere in town. Calvin said he would love to, but it took a little convincing for Beth to come along with us. I said I really wanted Chinese food, but Calvin said the Mandarin was closed on Sundays. Also, Beth said she wanted somewhere fast, but where we could also sit.

Calvin told us Subway was open and I wasn’t in a picky mood and that suited well with Beth. There I saw the love of my life (not really), Abbie! Abbie was going to be a first year at the Academy next year and she was well sweet! She always has something nice to say and does well with my fake flirting, which I do because she isn’t straight either!

Calvin called his friends, Elle and Caley, to come meet us at Subway so we could do something afterwards. They wanted to go to a lake outside of town, but going to a lake didn’t sound very exciting to me. I went along anyways because I figured it would be better than being stuck in my dorm all day. This is a crap town that I am going to college at, it has nothing to do. Even my small town had more and better things to do, but hey, I guess I shouldn’t complain since they are skipping me ahead two years.

We went to the lake, where there was a small playground and a ferry like the one off of the first Lord of the Rings movie. This one was well tied to the dock though, so we couldn’t get it undone. Then again, I’m not sure we would have wanted to since we would have been stuck in the middle of this huge lake until someone was able to rescue us!

We went back to Calvin’s house and chatted for a bit. Abbie and I sat on a picnic table and took pictures of us together… which I sent to Abbie’s girlfriend, Ginny to make her jealous! LOL!

The day was getting dark and Beth said she needed to get back to her dorm, I decided to stay. I wish now that I would have went with my friend when she left, but we can’t rewind the clock…all we can do is learn from the past.

Calvin took Beth home, and the rest of us went back to Calvin’s room where we decided to play a game called “Apples to Apples” and waited for Calvin to get back. Eventually, Calvin and Elle decided they wanted to drink! They went to go get there friend, Carlin, who would buy the alcohol at the store for them. I was hoping at the time that I would not drink because my father gets really mean when drunk and starts hitting. I didn’t want myself to be that person.

I’ve never drank anything but a few glasses of wine or sips of beer that my father has given me. I always thought that people were able to control themselves when “smashed,” and that when saying “oh, I was drunk” was just an excuse. I still do.

The night started off well interesting when the others got me to drink a coke/Captain Morgan drink. You could say Abbie and I lost our alcohol virginity that night! Caley wanted us to take a shot of vodka. I told Abbie I would do it with her, but she wanted to finish her first drink before she decided.

Elle asked if anyone wanted to get high! At that time I didn’t even support us drinking, but I was very much opposed to weed and other drugs like that because of what they did to my mother as I was growing up. That’s another post entirely though. Everyone but Abbie, Calvin, and I stayed inside as the others went outside. I told them I was proud of each of them for not doing weed that night.

Thirty minutes passed and the peer pressure to take a shot of vodka was building, and I wasn’t feeling anything from the three drinks of Morgan I had by then. I started thinking I had my father’s tolerance for alcohol…I could have never been more wrong as I took my first shot of vodka.

A minute passed and I wasn’t feeling any different and by then most of the others had already taken a few shots themselves, except for Abbie that is. Thinking I had my father’s tolerance I took another shot, and another....and another, all within a few minutes of each other. Elle said we should go outside so we won’t wake anyone up in the house and we agreed.

Only feeling a little buzzed at the time I had four more shots, thinking I would be perfectly fine. In all truth I was lucky not to have alcohol poisoning from that. Five more minutes passed and Abbie said she was very surprised at how well I was handling the vodka. Then, all of a sudden I was on the ground laughing hysterically! I was biting my tongue as I thought pain would bring me back towards acting normal, but it wasn’t working too well.

As Carlin helped me back up onto the picnic table he told me “Let me tell you a secret. Calvin wants to make out with you.” I slurred, “NO! no, no, no, he’s knows better.” Thinking to myself that I sure hope he doesn’t try anything with me being drunk like this, I told myself that I needed to stay alert.

I went behind the house to go to the bathroom and I heard a rustle and saw Calvin walking towards me. “Go away! Can I have some privacy please?” He walked away, but as I was walking back towards everyone I fell down and starting laughing at how foolish I was acting (at the same time I was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to control my laughter and thought about how much of an idiot I was).

Calvin came over and put himself on top of me, and I asked him to please get off of me. “I’ve wanted you since the beginning of the year, Luke! I’ve wanted you so badly,” he said. I told him that he knew perfectly well that I wasn’t into him and that he needed to back off me. When I got back to the others I asked them to please keep Calvin off me so I didn’t do anything I would regret.

All of a sudden I was in the bathroom, unable to breathe as I was throwing up! I was passing in and out of consciousness, lifting me head off the toilet seat to throw up some more. The others came in and said I needed to get out of the bathroom because others needed to use it. “Five more minutes!” I kept saying, “Five more minutes!” That lasted for at least an hour or two.

The others finally carried me to Calvin’s room where everyone was sleeping and passed out once again. I woke up to Calvin taking my pants off. I asked him what the hell he was doing, told him to stop and then blacked out again. I woke up again, but this time I was fully undressed and Calvin was doing something in which I cannot go into detail here on blogger, unless I want my blog nuked.

“Stop…stop please, it hurts,” I kept telling him. He told me everything would be alright and continued. I looked around and saw three other people in the room. One was sleeping but the other two were laying down with their eyes still open and was wondering why they weren’t saying anything. It looked like Carlin had left, which I thanked God for because that meant nothing happened between him and I. That was good because he was HIV positive.

It ended and I had tears rolling down my face from the pain of what had just happened, which actually lasted for three more days. I have never had a guy in my life and have never done anything with any guy before that. That’s why I was in so much pain if you were wondering.

I woke up still undressed and scurried to find my clothes around the room. I went to the living room where everyone but Calvin was sitting. “Please tell me a particular something did not happen last night.” I asked the others walking into the room. Elle responded with “It did” and I sat down on the couch staring off into space. Calvin came in the room and sat down, looking like he had the time of his life.

Elle took me back and said that we all do things we regret when drunk. I just told her yea as I was trying to remember what all had happened. It had all felt like a dream, and I was waiting to wake up. I didn’t go to research that day, and told an older friend what had happened. I asked him if that is rape and he told me yes.

I sat there on my computer dumbstruck. Rape was something that happened in movies, not in real life…especially not to me. Sitting there I realized I left my wallet at Calvin’s house; I texted him and told him and he said he would bring it by later. I didn’t want to be texting him let alone seeing him! I was well worried how that encounter would go, so I told him to have someone else bring it over.

Still thinking that it was a dream, I felt the tears start rolling down my face…I cried harder than when I came out to my father, harder than when my grandfather died, and harder than when Colton decided he didn’t want to be around me. An hour passed and I couldn’t stop as I was lying in bed and finally dozed off.

The nightmares came, but I wasn’t afraid of them. I held onto them preferring these nightmares over reality.

A knock on my door woke me; it was Elle and Caley returning my wallet to me. They said they are very sorry about what happened last night, they said they heard me say no, but it just didn’t “click,” because they were drunk. I didn’t see how something like that could not “click,” even when drunk. I had more shots than anyone that night and I was still able to distinguish what I wanted and what I didn’t. I was just not strong enough to fight someone off me.

I do think that Calvin did what he did on purpose and that’s why I am writing this. I’ve talked to a very close friend of mine, and Calvin “had his way” with him too after getting him high. I also now believe that people know how they act when drunk and that it is no excuse for behaving badly. That night was the first time I had really drank, and it will be my last. I hope you take from this two things: DO NOT drink and that you should not completely trust your “friends” for anything. Yes, I would jump in front of a moving vehicle for my friends, but that does not mean that I will trust them with my life.

Realizing I Lost More Than Just Friends

2010-07-13T17:23:00.008-05:00

Christmas break was over and the whole school knew I was gay by the fourth day back, making me a nervous wreck. It was Wednesday into the second week back and things hadn’t calmed down at all.

I was walking down the hall and half the people who I usually say hi to passed me like I wasn’t even there! That made me well sad, but I knew things were going to be a lot different. Little did I realize that more things were going to change within the next few weeks than I expected.

I walked into my drafting II class to see my best friend, Alisha, standing there waiting for me. She told me that a lot of people were talking badly about me, but at the same time I had a lot of people behind me and watching out for me against those people who wanted to do me harm. I felt so sorry that Alisha had to go through this with me. She was my best friend, but more than that I knew she fancied me and had for a couple years. I can’t imagine the tears she might have shed or how badly I had hurt her; I just hope she eventually understands.

I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork that day (more than usual for the past week) and for good reason! Tonight was Wednesday night, which meant Frontline, our youth group, was meeting that night and Colton would be there. That would be the first time we would be in close proximity to each other for longer than just a few minutes since he had told the entire school about me.

I showed up early like I do most Wednesdays so I could make sure the computer was working properly for worship and service, but there was a younger lad already there! He just looked at me with a face that said “oh, it’s you” and then turned back towards the laptop. I stood there dumbstruck wondering why this kid was doing my job.

I saw Stephen a few minutes later and asked him about this new lad. He told me that the church wanted us to start training new people to start running the youth group for when we left. I wondered what the church needed younger lads for because all the people running the computer, lights, and sound were in there freshmen year in high school. I couldn’t help but think this had something to do with my being gay and the church not approving, but I cleared that thought out of my head quick because I didn’t think the church would do that to someone just because of their sexuality!

I decided with this new lad to make sure he was running this correctly and in all it seemed like he was doing a fairly good job. I asked him if he’s done this before and he said he ran the computer on Sunday mornings for the second service. Wait a second! This kid doesn’t need any training! I looked around and saw Stephen running the sound and Kale running lights….maybe there will be someone new next week.

Service came and the new youth minister immediately started talking about how being gay was wrong! Ok, ok, this is just a coincidence I convinced myself…I’ve been with this church ever since I moved to this town they wouldn’t be turning on me now!

I got home and there was a letter on my desk. I opened it and looked at the old paper like it had came from a Harry Potter movie…more like parchment. It was filled front and back and had apparently been written by my great grandmother. As I was reading I felt my eyes tearing up…my great grandmother, my “Meme” as we called her, was writing to tell me how much she disapproved of my lifestyle choice, saying she was hoping it was just a phase and if I continued down this path I would be sent straight to hell. To prove her point she had written in the letter a list of verses from the Bible “confirming” what she had said. In addition, she wrote she was going to help fund a national anti-gay youth movement, which had me well up in tears!

My own grandma was against me! The one who I thought would support me until the end, the one whose house I had planned on going to if my father decided to disown me because of my sexuality! I was well sad by the time dinner came around and I told my father that I wasn’t hungry, but he made me come get food anyhow.

I asked him how Meme knew I was gay and he said he told her! That was not his place to tell her, I told him that I had planned on telling her myself when the time was right! I was well pissered at my father for breaking his promise on not telling her.

The next Wednesday night went along the same lines as before: same lad doing the computer, no other new lads doing anything else, and the youth minister, Ryan, preached about how bad it was to be gay for at least half his sermon!

The next week was when the water came over the dam and I learned the truth. I was walking up the steps to make sure the new lad was doing everything correctly when Colton blocked my path! He told me that I was not allowed up there! I who had helped run Wednesday nights for the past two years! My heart was beating faster than ever before and I thought I was going to have a heart attack for being this close to him as I felt my bottom lip starting to shake and I think Colton saw as he said what sounded like the first half kind thing he said to me since the incident, “This wasn’t my decision, don’t blame me.”

I walked back down and sat down with the others as worship started. I could hear my voice shaking as I sung a quarter of the lyrics from the songs while trying to hold back my tears. I wouldn’t cry in front of everyone here and let them get the best of me! They did though as Ryan preached about the same thing he had for the past three weeks. I wanted to get up right then and walk out! I held back though thinking it would get better. It didn’t and that night was the worst as Ryan spoke with a kind of hatred in his voice towards the gay community.

That night I decided I would not be coming back to Frontline anymore. It was probably what they wanted, but I couldn’t handle the criticism anymore. That night I had lost one of my connections with Jesus Christ and with God that still hasn’t been restored to this day. I eventually started coming again on Sunday mornings to Calvary Baptist, but as I was admitted into the Academy my church time has all but ceased to exist for the moment.

When I am done with the Academy next year I do plan on seeking out a new church, and right now I am open to suggestions on which sect of Christianity I should go into.

“One day soon there's going to be a reckoning, and once again people are going to have to pay for the things they've done.” - BSG

The End of Innocence

2010-07-12T03:25:00.007-05:00

Walking down the stairs after getting out of bed I saw my parents talking with my Aunt Denae and her husband Randy. I couldn't really tell what they were talking about because I had just woken up, but I did see they all had beers sitting by them on the table! It normally wouldn't surprise me to see that but it was only ten in the morning! I turned around and headed back up to my sister's room after hearing voices coming from her room.

I opened the door to see my cousins Shandolyn and Goldy visiting with my sisters, Codi and Ashley. I asked what everyone was doing here so early and they responded that my aunt had to talk with my mother...still to this day I have no idea what was so important they had to come and have drinks so early in the morning. We decided to go outside and play hide-and-seek for a while, but eventually we went inside to play what I thought was going to be board games.

As I walked into my house I could hear screaming from my parents and thought "oh no, not again...not this early" but it was too late, they had already drank too much. I saw half empty whiskey bottle on the table as us kids headed up the stairs. Wondering why adults always argued with each other I told the others that we should play Monopoly but the others didn't like how long the game took so we ended up playing "house" and of course...me being the youngest and seven years old I was given the role of the "baby." Awesome.

The screaming didn't stop as we played our game, in fact I could swear it was getting worse by the minute. Last time my parents fought I told them I would scream as loud as I could telling them to stop, and that's exactly what I did. I went to the stairs stopping about halfway down and started yelling for them to stop. Their heads turned to me and their arguing stopped for just a second...that was until they decided to direct their screams towards me. I was so scared I ran back upstairs!

My father called Codi downstairs and she looked at me and I could tell she didn't want to go down their. A few minutes passed and a crash came from the hallway, I peeked out the bedroom and my father had thrown my sister halfway up the stairs! I asked her if she was okay when she got up to the room, but she was crying so I already figured the answer. I was so pissered at my father.

I told my sister and cousins that it would be better if we went outside until everything settled down. On our way down my mother called me over to her, so I told the others to go outside without me.

My mother was in the laundry room between the kitchen and the front door. She was sitting on the floor and started asking me if I loved her. Of course I did! I felt bad for her for having to put up with my father, but at the same time I could smell the whiskey on her breath and told her she shouldn't be drinking. Ignoring me she asked if I loved her again...I told her yes and turned around to go out the back door where my sisters and cousins were. My mother grabbed my leg and pulled me down to the floor as I was trying to wrestle from her grasp. By this time I was crying because I wasn't used to my mother hurting me or acting so strangely. Finally, after crawling away from her I got up and ran outside.

I sat down on the steps leading up to my house us kids started chatting about how much we hated our parents. A few minutes had passed when Aunt Denae rushed out of the house telling us "run! run to the neighbors! GO! They've got a gun!"

We didn't question that as my sisters, cousins, and I bolted for the neighbors house. I looked back for my aunt but she went back in the house to try and calm my parents down. Halfway into the neighbors yard I tripped as a loud crack came from my house. The gun had fired and I was as scared as I had ever been. Who shot the gun? Did it hit someone? Was I going to be orphaned if one of my parents was dead and the other was in jail?

Once we got to the neighbors house my sisters begged for them to call the police. I looked out the window and saw my mothers car speeding off. Then, I started thinking about a future without my father, who was probably dead, and with a mother in jail. I didn't know what to do with myself. I sat down on the floor and curled up as I started bawling.

I sat there for the longest fifteen minutes of my life before the cops showed up and my sisters told them what had happened. The police went over to my house and another hour had passed before my father showed up at the neighbors apparently unharmed. He told us the bullet had just missed his head, but the police were looking for mom. They had found her car crashed a few miles outside of Sumner, but that was it.

My sisters and I didn't see our mother for another two months after that incident. Even then, mom wasn't let out of jail until a year after that.

Christmas break '07- '08

2010-07-11T18:07:00.004-05:00

I could taste it, the freedom from school. I knew I would miss my friends…if that’s what they deserved to be called. The bell rang for lunch in the middle of fourth hour since it was only a half-day, and the wide hallways filled quickly. I looked around for Tyler who was in a class close to mine. He was nearly the opposite kind of person that I was. I was tall, thin, athletic, the kind of person that cared about what people thought about one’s self, and very self-conscience. Tyler was short, pudgy, and loud. He acted like he didn’t care what people thought but I knew he really did, but would never show it.

After getting my food, I looked around for my friend: Chris, Andrew, and Colton. Chris and I were on the first soccer team for our high school that year and had a lot of classes together. Naturally, we were both in fairly good shape, but he was a lot better at soccer than I. At this time Chris had long, flowing hair, and like the rest of my friends a bit of acne, but not horrible. Andrew was the funny one out of our group; he also ran cross-country, I had never seen him run in an actual meet but I knew his short legs could carry. Finally, there was Colton; we had been friends since the sixth grade, not really close friends though, more like school buddies. He was nearly the same height as I was with auburn hair. Colton wasn’t nearly as athletic as the rest of us, but he was still the average size for a lean person.

I saw his perfect smile, for he was laughing at a story Andrew was telling, and headed that way. Our table was always filled by the time everyone had got to lunch. If I was ever late there was always a seat saved for me by my “close” friends. I sat across from Colton and listened in on the conversation. I pretended to laugh with the group and interact with the conversation, but I was really just paying attention to what Colton was doing.

I always laughed at his stories, even if they weren’t funny, and when people were mad at him for what he had done that day, I was always tried to be there for him. “Hey Luke, whatcha ganna do for break?” Colton asked. “Probably just sit at home, bored as hell and work.” I replied. Lunch was the only time I had with him so I always tried to make the best impression for him, but didn’t really do so well.

I finished up the rest of the day peacefully, got home from soccer practice, and was finally free! Walking in the door I say hi to my sister, who was watching me while my father was gone for work. I walked to my room, or my “mole hole” as my father called it. Sitting down I went directly to my MySpace e-mail to look at the message I sent Colton a few days ago. I had told him that I needed to tell him something important and would do it once Christmas break had started, but I didn’t feel like now was the time yet.

I knew I had liked guys since the end of sixth grade, when I realized I had liked Colton. The thing is, though, is that I had just started coming out to my family a couple weeks before Christmas break. I had already told my sister Ashley, the one watching me now, and my other sister, Codi. They, being their natural selves, told a couple close friends who would understand and not tell anybody else. I was pretty confident in myself since everyone had been so supportive so far.

A few days later I decided to send Colton an e-mail telling him that I was bisexual; I suppose it is easier for some people to come out as bisexual than gay because they don’t feel like a total outsider. Then, he sent me an e-mail back saying that he wouldn’t tell anyone and we were still cool. I was exhilarated for being accepted by the one person who I actually thought mattered. I should have stopped there, but I had been holding this feeling in, not telling anyone for about three years; so I decided to send him another e-mail telling him what I thought of him. We haven’t spoken to each other since then.

Because of this event, I got to the point where I didn’t care about anything; I had been in a pit of depression for over two years before and up to a year after, all because of my sexuality. I had wished a lot of times that I wasn’t gay, but now I see that it matured me. So one night, when my father and his wife were fighting, I decided to tell them both that I was gay. I was prepared to be kicked out of my own house like one is prepared for high school the next day; no one really cares.

To my surprise though, and at the time disappointment, my father did not kick me out, but instead did something worse, he cried. I have only seen my father cry two times in my lifetime. Once was when his father died and the other was that night when I told him I was gay. I remember what he said when I told him. “You’re Queer?” he asked. I didn’t feel like telling him how rude that was because I was afraid he would hit me so I just replied “Yea.” After that I went to my room and cried for a good hour or two, while listening to chatting from the living room.

School was back in session, and I was still sitting at the same table with the same group of friends. I didn’t talk to Colton, but in the corner of my eye at random times, I would see him whisper in someone’s ear, and they would quickly turn and glance at me.

Three days later in Physical Education class someone came up to me and jokingly asked “Hey, I heard ya were gay and liked Colton”. At this moment I died a little bit on the inside and had a heart attack at the same time. “No, where did you hear that from?” I lied. The same day I found out the rumor that I was gay had been going around school for the past three days. “This is the worst day of my life” I thought, but now I realize it was the day where being gay wasn’t the essence of who I was anymore, but a part of the whole that makes me who I am; through this I was able to take off the mask I wore for myself, and realize that I’m not a bad person.

That day I also found out that people aren’t as trusting or understanding as I thought, and people will turn their back on you, even if you’ve been good friends for years.

A visit with mom

2010-07-10T02:35:00.002-05:00

The other night while visiting with my mother, aunt, and younger cousins I realized that my childhood is about to end and people are going to expect things of me that I had always thought I was prepared for. That is, until last Tuesday...I was talking with my aunt and she starting telling me things about her children and things in her life that adults would normally not tell a teenager, but as a seventeen year-old going into my second year at college she apparently thought I was just as an adult as she is.

My Aunt Denae starting ranting about how her son Kyle was such a disappointment to her. She started telling me about her twelve year-old son who steals cigarettes, runs away, and has a reading level of a second grader like she doesn't care what others would think or with any remorse to Kyle hearing every word she said. Then, Denae proceeded telling me horrible things that had happened to her children while they where with an adopted family while she had them taken away from her for eight months.

At around 1:00 AM my aunt started yelling into the house for Kyle, who came out to the porch after several very loud screams from Denea. Then again she proceeded talking shit on her own son right in front of him. I wanted to interrupt her and ask her to stop, but I didn't have the courage to get into a fight with a drunk lady. Whenever my cousin tried to respond to her ugly comments she told him to shut up because "he didn't know". "You don't even let me talk," he said.

This continued for about fifteen minutes and I started to realize that the reason for Kyle's behavior is probably because his mother treats him like shit. How is a twelve year-old boy supposed to deal with his mother being drunk every night while being bombarded with insults from both his mother and her boyfriend? I also learned that he is on all kinds on medication such as Prozac and something to help his "ADHD" just so the family can get a check from the government.

I thought I needed to help Kyle in some way so the only thing that came to mind that I could do right then was to just tell him that he was not that person his mother says he is and tell him he is an amazing human being. So, after everyone else went to bed I walked into his room to tell him what I thought of his mother. He was awake of course, just like most children during summer vacation. I sat down and told him what I had thought about him and his mother, which in turn he said he knew already, but I saw something different in his eyes then...hope.

That night I realized that some of the bliss from childhood is still there, but some people in my life expect that to be gone by now. Is it right to talk to a seventeen year-old like he is forty? I'm not sure it is...they say I am mature for my age but being able to handle a lot of surprising truths about your family is another matter entirely. I also feel I need to help my cousin have a good childhood, and get him away from his mother for awhile. I'm still thinking on how I should do this, but I'm sure I'll come up with something.