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I find it ironic that I feel the need to post something exactly a year after my last post, and what a year it's been. I doubt I'm going to get it all in one post because I could probably write a novel about the stuff that went down over the past year. It's amazing how much one can experience in just one year, and how much hurt there is in this world (especially how much can be directed at one person).
Over the past year I felt that this life wasn't even worth living, if I was just going to live in pain for the rest of my life then what was the point? I kept getting hurt by guys, because I kept going for the straight ones. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good looking enough for them or that my personality was just not as outgoing as other people's. But how can one change their personality to be so outgoing when they are so close to rock bottom? There was one thing that made me happy though, and that was being around Josh (the kid who the letter was to). However, being happy only around him was pretty bad for me; the amazing friends I had accumulated at the Academy should have made me pretty content, but for some reason I wasn't.
I wanted to be held by someone and have someone to talk to about how I was feeling. My family hasn't been around most of my life, so I can't really connect with them. I thought I could only connect with someone I thought I could have a relationship with, and I wanted that to be Josh so badly. However, I didn't get that from him, not even after he started experimenting with me. I was just being used for one-way sex from him from December to February. However, I just kept doing it because I wanted it to become something more and I thought he just needed time. In the end though, it ended worse than I could have ever thought possible.
"It gets better."
I heard these words by Joel Burns while I was being hospitalized for attempted suicide. I had tried multiple times to just end it. The pain seemed like it was ripping open my chest, even to the point where it was hard to breathe. Everything since June 6, 2010 seemed to be snowballing, and it became too much for me to handle on my own. I needed help but I couldn't see how things could even get better for me when there had been so much bad happen. In addition, what if it did get back to normal? I would still be lonely...still have no one to talk to. I would be dealing with it, just as I always have been.
Hanging didn't seem to work out to well because I was using belts and it seemed to be ripping the skin of my neck more than it was choking off my airway. I had to wear collared shirts for nearly two weeks to cover the marks left on my neck from that attempt. Downing antidepressants seemed to have absolutely no effect either. I even stopped eating to try and starve myself "and just whittle away until I was gone," was my thinking on that. I lost 20 pounds in a month. 58 pills of Vicodin was the closest I got to death. I took 58 Vicodin in one night, hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I ended up throwing up and just laying in my bed for four days. I told people that I had just ate something bad and even had to miss class. Finally, there was a gun. Luckily, I was unable to pull the trigger though. I don't expect most of you to understand why I did this, but sometimes it feels like death is the only escape, however this world felt like it was not done with me. I could not have an easy way out.
When in was in 7th grade I prayed to God for a month to make me into a shield. A shield for all the hurt coming to those who I cared about. I wanted to take away other people's pain, or at least the worst of it, and have it directed at myself because I couldn't stand watching those I care about suffer. Maybe that is why all these attempts didn't work, and I am glad they didn't. As Joel Burns said, it does get better (or at least bearable) and in time it gets easier to move on from the things that are hurting you. So please, to all those thinking about suicide, just call a hospital, because they do help. Even in the worst of times, suicide should never be an option. The last time I thought about it was right before going to the hospital. I got out of the hospital sometime in late October of 2010.
All the suicide attempts happened before October, and yes it did get worse...much worse, but I did not look for an easy way out after that...ever. Yes, this wasn't even half of the last year of my life, so to those looking for an easy way out, look at me. I was at the point where you may be now, but it does get better. Just go to youtube and look up "Joel Burns it gets better," and you will see what I am talking about. I went through so much more after October, and now I am positive no matter how much hurt I have shoved at me... I'll still be here in the morning, dealing.
