Christmas break '07- '08

I could taste it, the freedom from school. I knew I would miss my friends…if that’s what they deserved to be called. The bell rang for lunch in the middle of fourth hour since it was only a half-day, and the wide hallways filled quickly. I looked around for Tyler who was in a class close to mine. He was nearly the opposite kind of person that I was. I was tall, thin, athletic, the kind of person that cared about what people thought about one’s self, and very self-conscience. Tyler was short, pudgy, and loud. He acted like he didn’t care what people thought but I knew he really did, but would never show it.

After getting my food, I looked around for my friend: Chris, Andrew, and Colton. Chris and I were on the first soccer team for our high school that year and had a lot of classes together. Naturally, we were both in fairly good shape, but he was a lot better at soccer than I. At this time Chris had long, flowing hair, and like the rest of my friends a bit of acne, but not horrible. Andrew was the funny one out of our group; he also ran cross-country, I had never seen him run in an actual meet but I knew his short legs could carry. Finally, there was Colton; we had been friends since the sixth grade, not really close friends though, more like school buddies. He was nearly the same height as I was with auburn hair. Colton wasn’t nearly as athletic as the rest of us, but he was still the average size for a lean person.

I saw his perfect smile, for he was laughing at a story Andrew was telling, and headed that way. Our table was always filled by the time everyone had got to lunch. If I was ever late there was always a seat saved for me by my “close” friends. I sat across from Colton and listened in on the conversation. I pretended to laugh with the group and interact with the conversation, but I was really just paying attention to what Colton was doing.

I always laughed at his stories, even if they weren’t funny, and when people were mad at him for what he had done that day, I was always tried to be there for him. “Hey Luke, whatcha ganna do for break?” Colton asked. “Probably just sit at home, bored as hell and work.” I replied. Lunch was the only time I had with him so I always tried to make the best impression for him, but didn’t really do so well.

I finished up the rest of the day peacefully, got home from soccer practice, and was finally free! Walking in the door I say hi to my sister, who was watching me while my father was gone for work. I walked to my room, or my “mole hole” as my father called it. Sitting down I went directly to my MySpace e-mail to look at the message I sent Colton a few days ago. I had told him that I needed to tell him something important and would do it once Christmas break had started, but I didn’t feel like now was the time yet.

I knew I had liked guys since the end of sixth grade, when I realized I had liked Colton. The thing is, though, is that I had just started coming out to my family a couple weeks before Christmas break. I had already told my sister Ashley, the one watching me now, and my other sister, Codi. They, being their natural selves, told a couple close friends who would understand and not tell anybody else. I was pretty confident in myself since everyone had been so supportive so far.

A few days later I decided to send Colton an e-mail telling him that I was bisexual; I suppose it is easier for some people to come out as bisexual than gay because they don’t feel like a total outsider. Then, he sent me an e-mail back saying that he wouldn’t tell anyone and we were still cool. I was exhilarated for being accepted by the one person who I actually thought mattered. I should have stopped there, but I had been holding this feeling in, not telling anyone for about three years; so I decided to send him another e-mail telling him what I thought of him. We haven’t spoken to each other since then.

Because of this event, I got to the point where I didn’t care about anything; I had been in a pit of depression for over two years before and up to a year after, all because of my sexuality. I had wished a lot of times that I wasn’t gay, but now I see that it matured me. So one night, when my father and his wife were fighting, I decided to tell them both that I was gay. I was prepared to be kicked out of my own house like one is prepared for high school the next day; no one really cares.

To my surprise though, and at the time disappointment, my father did not kick me out, but instead did something worse, he cried. I have only seen my father cry two times in my lifetime. Once was when his father died and the other was that night when I told him I was gay. I remember what he said when I told him. “You’re Queer?” he asked. I didn’t feel like telling him how rude that was because I was afraid he would hit me so I just replied “Yea.” After that I went to my room and cried for a good hour or two, while listening to chatting from the living room.

School was back in session, and I was still sitting at the same table with the same group of friends. I didn’t talk to Colton, but in the corner of my eye at random times, I would see him whisper in someone’s ear, and they would quickly turn and glance at me.

Three days later in Physical Education class someone came up to me and jokingly asked “Hey, I heard ya were gay and liked Colton”. At this moment I died a little bit on the inside and had a heart attack at the same time. “No, where did you hear that from?” I lied. The same day I found out the rumor that I was gay had been going around school for the past three days. “This is the worst day of my life” I thought, but now I realize it was the day where being gay wasn’t the essence of who I was anymore, but a part of the whole that makes me who I am; through this I was able to take off the mask I wore for myself, and realize that I’m not a bad person.

That day I also found out that people aren’t as trusting or understanding as I thought, and people will turn their back on you, even if you’ve been good friends for years.