Realizing I Lost More Than Just Friends

Christmas break was over and the whole school knew I was gay by the fourth day back, making me a nervous wreck. It was Wednesday into the second week back and things hadn’t calmed down at all.

I was walking down the hall and half the people who I usually say hi to passed me like I wasn’t even there! That made me well sad, but I knew things were going to be a lot different. Little did I realize that more things were going to change within the next few weeks than I expected.

I walked into my drafting II class to see my best friend, Alisha, standing there waiting for me. She told me that a lot of people were talking badly about me, but at the same time I had a lot of people behind me and watching out for me against those people who wanted to do me harm. I felt so sorry that Alisha had to go through this with me. She was my best friend, but more than that I knew she fancied me and had for a couple years. I can’t imagine the tears she might have shed or how badly I had hurt her; I just hope she eventually understands.

I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork that day (more than usual for the past week) and for good reason! Tonight was Wednesday night, which meant Frontline, our youth group, was meeting that night and Colton would be there. That would be the first time we would be in close proximity to each other for longer than just a few minutes since he had told the entire school about me.

I showed up early like I do most Wednesdays so I could make sure the computer was working properly for worship and service, but there was a younger lad already there! He just looked at me with a face that said “oh, it’s you” and then turned back towards the laptop. I stood there dumbstruck wondering why this kid was doing my job.

I saw Stephen a few minutes later and asked him about this new lad. He told me that the church wanted us to start training new people to start running the youth group for when we left. I wondered what the church needed younger lads for because all the people running the computer, lights, and sound were in there freshmen year in high school. I couldn’t help but think this had something to do with my being gay and the church not approving, but I cleared that thought out of my head quick because I didn’t think the church would do that to someone just because of their sexuality!

I decided with this new lad to make sure he was running this correctly and in all it seemed like he was doing a fairly good job. I asked him if he’s done this before and he said he ran the computer on Sunday mornings for the second service. Wait a second! This kid doesn’t need any training! I looked around and saw Stephen running the sound and Kale running lights….maybe there will be someone new next week.

Service came and the new youth minister immediately started talking about how being gay was wrong! Ok, ok, this is just a coincidence I convinced myself…I’ve been with this church ever since I moved to this town they wouldn’t be turning on me now!

I got home and there was a letter on my desk. I opened it and looked at the old paper like it had came from a Harry Potter movie…more like parchment. It was filled front and back and had apparently been written by my great grandmother. As I was reading I felt my eyes tearing up…my great grandmother, my “Meme” as we called her, was writing to tell me how much she disapproved of my lifestyle choice, saying she was hoping it was just a phase and if I continued down this path I would be sent straight to hell. To prove her point she had written in the letter a list of verses from the Bible “confirming” what she had said. In addition, she wrote she was going to help fund a national anti-gay youth movement, which had me well up in tears!

My own grandma was against me! The one who I thought would support me until the end, the one whose house I had planned on going to if my father decided to disown me because of my sexuality! I was well sad by the time dinner came around and I told my father that I wasn’t hungry, but he made me come get food anyhow.

I asked him how Meme knew I was gay and he said he told her! That was not his place to tell her, I told him that I had planned on telling her myself when the time was right! I was well pissered at my father for breaking his promise on not telling her.

The next Wednesday night went along the same lines as before: same lad doing the computer, no other new lads doing anything else, and the youth minister, Ryan, preached about how bad it was to be gay for at least half his sermon!

The next week was when the water came over the dam and I learned the truth. I was walking up the steps to make sure the new lad was doing everything correctly when Colton blocked my path! He told me that I was not allowed up there! I who had helped run Wednesday nights for the past two years! My heart was beating faster than ever before and I thought I was going to have a heart attack for being this close to him as I felt my bottom lip starting to shake and I think Colton saw as he said what sounded like the first half kind thing he said to me since the incident, “This wasn’t my decision, don’t blame me.”

I walked back down and sat down with the others as worship started. I could hear my voice shaking as I sung a quarter of the lyrics from the songs while trying to hold back my tears. I wouldn’t cry in front of everyone here and let them get the best of me! They did though as Ryan preached about the same thing he had for the past three weeks. I wanted to get up right then and walk out! I held back though thinking it would get better. It didn’t and that night was the worst as Ryan spoke with a kind of hatred in his voice towards the gay community.

That night I decided I would not be coming back to Frontline anymore. It was probably what they wanted, but I couldn’t handle the criticism anymore. That night I had lost one of my connections with Jesus Christ and with God that still hasn’t been restored to this day. I eventually started coming again on Sunday mornings to Calvary Baptist, but as I was admitted into the Academy my church time has all but ceased to exist for the moment.

When I am done with the Academy next year I do plan on seeking out a new church, and right now I am open to suggestions on which sect of Christianity I should go into.

“One day soon there's going to be a reckoning, and once again people are going to have to pay for the things they've done.” - BSG