The Day I'll Always Regret

The following names in this post have been changed for their own protection. June 6, 2010 is the day the following post starts on.

I was walking down to Beth’s room to ask her if she had any movies that I could borrow, but to my surprise Calvin was also there and they were already watching a movie! It turns out the movie was a documentary about living in a small town while being gay. I can’t remember the specifics of the movie as that was an unimportant detail in what happened in the next twenty-four hours.

The movie ended and I was starting to get really hungry. I asked Calvin and Beth if they wanted to grab a bite to eat somewhere in town. Calvin said he would love to, but it took a little convincing for Beth to come along with us. I said I really wanted Chinese food, but Calvin said the Mandarin was closed on Sundays. Also, Beth said she wanted somewhere fast, but where we could also sit.

Calvin told us Subway was open and I wasn’t in a picky mood and that suited well with Beth. There I saw the love of my life (not really), Abbie! Abbie was going to be a first year at the Academy next year and she was well sweet! She always has something nice to say and does well with my fake flirting, which I do because she isn’t straight either!

Calvin called his friends, Elle and Caley, to come meet us at Subway so we could do something afterwards. They wanted to go to a lake outside of town, but going to a lake didn’t sound very exciting to me. I went along anyways because I figured it would be better than being stuck in my dorm all day. This is a crap town that I am going to college at, it has nothing to do. Even my small town had more and better things to do, but hey, I guess I shouldn’t complain since they are skipping me ahead two years.

We went to the lake, where there was a small playground and a ferry like the one off of the first Lord of the Rings movie. This one was well tied to the dock though, so we couldn’t get it undone. Then again, I’m not sure we would have wanted to since we would have been stuck in the middle of this huge lake until someone was able to rescue us!

We went back to Calvin’s house and chatted for a bit. Abbie and I sat on a picnic table and took pictures of us together… which I sent to Abbie’s girlfriend, Ginny to make her jealous! LOL!

The day was getting dark and Beth said she needed to get back to her dorm, I decided to stay. I wish now that I would have went with my friend when she left, but we can’t rewind the clock…all we can do is learn from the past.

Calvin took Beth home, and the rest of us went back to Calvin’s room where we decided to play a game called “Apples to Apples” and waited for Calvin to get back. Eventually, Calvin and Elle decided they wanted to drink! They went to go get there friend, Carlin, who would buy the alcohol at the store for them. I was hoping at the time that I would not drink because my father gets really mean when drunk and starts hitting. I didn’t want myself to be that person.

I’ve never drank anything but a few glasses of wine or sips of beer that my father has given me. I always thought that people were able to control themselves when “smashed,” and that when saying “oh, I was drunk” was just an excuse. I still do.

The night started off well interesting when the others got me to drink a coke/Captain Morgan drink. You could say Abbie and I lost our alcohol virginity that night! Caley wanted us to take a shot of vodka. I told Abbie I would do it with her, but she wanted to finish her first drink before she decided.

Elle asked if anyone wanted to get high! At that time I didn’t even support us drinking, but I was very much opposed to weed and other drugs like that because of what they did to my mother as I was growing up. That’s another post entirely though. Everyone but Abbie, Calvin, and I stayed inside as the others went outside. I told them I was proud of each of them for not doing weed that night.

Thirty minutes passed and the peer pressure to take a shot of vodka was building, and I wasn’t feeling anything from the three drinks of Morgan I had by then. I started thinking I had my father’s tolerance for alcohol…I could have never been more wrong as I took my first shot of vodka.

A minute passed and I wasn’t feeling any different and by then most of the others had already taken a few shots themselves, except for Abbie that is. Thinking I had my father’s tolerance I took another shot, and another....and another, all within a few minutes of each other. Elle said we should go outside so we won’t wake anyone up in the house and we agreed.

Only feeling a little buzzed at the time I had four more shots, thinking I would be perfectly fine. In all truth I was lucky not to have alcohol poisoning from that. Five more minutes passed and Abbie said she was very surprised at how well I was handling the vodka. Then, all of a sudden I was on the ground laughing hysterically! I was biting my tongue as I thought pain would bring me back towards acting normal, but it wasn’t working too well.

As Carlin helped me back up onto the picnic table he told me “Let me tell you a secret. Calvin wants to make out with you.” I slurred, “NO! no, no, no, he’s knows better.” Thinking to myself that I sure hope he doesn’t try anything with me being drunk like this, I told myself that I needed to stay alert.

I went behind the house to go to the bathroom and I heard a rustle and saw Calvin walking towards me. “Go away! Can I have some privacy please?” He walked away, but as I was walking back towards everyone I fell down and starting laughing at how foolish I was acting (at the same time I was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to control my laughter and thought about how much of an idiot I was).

Calvin came over and put himself on top of me, and I asked him to please get off of me. “I’ve wanted you since the beginning of the year, Luke! I’ve wanted you so badly,” he said. I told him that he knew perfectly well that I wasn’t into him and that he needed to back off me. When I got back to the others I asked them to please keep Calvin off me so I didn’t do anything I would regret.

All of a sudden I was in the bathroom, unable to breathe as I was throwing up! I was passing in and out of consciousness, lifting me head off the toilet seat to throw up some more. The others came in and said I needed to get out of the bathroom because others needed to use it. “Five more minutes!” I kept saying, “Five more minutes!” That lasted for at least an hour or two.

The others finally carried me to Calvin’s room where everyone was sleeping and passed out once again. I woke up to Calvin taking my pants off. I asked him what the hell he was doing, told him to stop and then blacked out again. I woke up again, but this time I was fully undressed and Calvin was doing something in which I cannot go into detail here on blogger, unless I want my blog nuked.

“Stop…stop please, it hurts,” I kept telling him. He told me everything would be alright and continued. I looked around and saw three other people in the room. One was sleeping but the other two were laying down with their eyes still open and was wondering why they weren’t saying anything. It looked like Carlin had left, which I thanked God for because that meant nothing happened between him and I. That was good because he was HIV positive.

It ended and I had tears rolling down my face from the pain of what had just happened, which actually lasted for three more days. I have never had a guy in my life and have never done anything with any guy before that. That’s why I was in so much pain if you were wondering.

I woke up still undressed and scurried to find my clothes around the room. I went to the living room where everyone but Calvin was sitting. “Please tell me a particular something did not happen last night.” I asked the others walking into the room. Elle responded with “It did” and I sat down on the couch staring off into space. Calvin came in the room and sat down, looking like he had the time of his life.

Elle took me back and said that we all do things we regret when drunk. I just told her yea as I was trying to remember what all had happened. It had all felt like a dream, and I was waiting to wake up. I didn’t go to research that day, and told an older friend what had happened. I asked him if that is rape and he told me yes.

I sat there on my computer dumbstruck. Rape was something that happened in movies, not in real life…especially not to me. Sitting there I realized I left my wallet at Calvin’s house; I texted him and told him and he said he would bring it by later. I didn’t want to be texting him let alone seeing him! I was well worried how that encounter would go, so I told him to have someone else bring it over.

Still thinking that it was a dream, I felt the tears start rolling down my face…I cried harder than when I came out to my father, harder than when my grandfather died, and harder than when Colton decided he didn’t want to be around me. An hour passed and I couldn’t stop as I was lying in bed and finally dozed off.

The nightmares came, but I wasn’t afraid of them. I held onto them preferring these nightmares over reality.

A knock on my door woke me; it was Elle and Caley returning my wallet to me. They said they are very sorry about what happened last night, they said they heard me say no, but it just didn’t “click,” because they were drunk. I didn’t see how something like that could not “click,” even when drunk. I had more shots than anyone that night and I was still able to distinguish what I wanted and what I didn’t. I was just not strong enough to fight someone off me.

I do think that Calvin did what he did on purpose and that’s why I am writing this. I’ve talked to a very close friend of mine, and Calvin “had his way” with him too after getting him high. I also now believe that people know how they act when drunk and that it is no excuse for behaving badly. That night was the first time I had really drank, and it will be my last. I hope you take from this two things: DO NOT drink and that you should not completely trust your “friends” for anything. Yes, I would jump in front of a moving vehicle for my friends, but that does not mean that I will trust them with my life.